what happened to the year of innocence?

a group of seemingly fairly young teenagers arrived at the restaurant where my friend and i were pleasantly enjoying our dinner together.  at the sight of all these young girls lighting up stinky cigarettes, my friend noticed they were all actually ‘fake smoking’ just to portray that certain unwelcoming image.  with a quick glance towards their table, i noticed the huge louis vuitton purse from several seasons ago sitting on the chair with one of the girls, a chanel chained hobo bag on the floor next to the other, and all the heavy makeup, expensive clothes, and overly accessorized jewels these girls were proudly displaying.  despite their attempts to dress and act older and sex-and-the-city-ish, i would’ve still guessed they were only 14-15 max., but because they arrived in their own car, one of them had to be at least 16.  regardless, they were dressed way beyond their age.  while i think teenage girls today are very fortunate to be able to access and enjoy all the luxury and freedom they are given, but i also feel deeply sorry for them for looking up to irresponsible ‘celebrities’ and what overly young idols are reflected and heavily promoted by the media these days.  every teenage girls seems to turn herself either into a paris hilton, a miley, or make-believe characters of drama series targeting teenage girls.  they just grow up too fast, too soon.  why is the rush to grow up now when you have the rest of your life doing alot of growing up?  you will only be a teenager for this many years, and then no matter how much you wanted to go back being one again, you will never be.  you have the rest of your life to dress like an adult, your then age, but why the rush now when you can enjoy being young and being a kid?  i feel sad seeing these girls losing their innocence too quickly…and what’s even sadder to me is the choices they’ve made for themselves and are proud of them.  i had never given any doubts about having children, until now.  with all the peer pressure, and this heavily media-influenced society, i’m not sure if i ever had children, my guidance and love would be sufficient to let them understand and embrace the importance of being a child and being happy with it…

who would i had voted for?

i was never into politics.  in fact, the word “politics” scared me.  but this year is different.  i really wish i could vote…not only because of its historical memorandum, not because an african-american candidate is running, not because of the promised change, etc., etc., but because of hope, that anything is possible!  i was glueing to the tv, flipping between stations (cnn, abc, cbs, foxnews, msnbc) in the evening, waiting anxiously for the result (even though deep down, we all know what the outcome would be).  when i was on abc, and charles gibson made the announcement, every bone in my body felt the chills, and my heart so moved that tears started welling up my eyes and flowing down my cheeks…  words couldn’t eloquently described how i felt, but i was deeply touched and proud to be part of this historical moment in time.  i was really proud of and admire what barack obama has accomplished for himself, proud of the possibilities and how far it has come for african-american (or minority in this country per se…), but it wouldn’t be barrack obama that i would be voting for.  it is that child i wanted to vote for…the child who had a difficult childhood, the child from such a humble background… the child who has now given hope and inspired so many people, and proved to us that anything is indeed possible!!  that was who i wanted to vote for, and i’m so happy, touched, and grateful to be part of this historical day.  that aside, congratulaitons to obama!  we’ve all believed in what you said and inspired… now, let us believe once again, but in what you will do and in the power of hope and unity.  xoxo!

“project runway” pulled me in, again!

it happens everytime…  whenever i watched “project runway”, it made me realized how much i’ve missed making clothes, designing, draping and drafting patterns.  each season’s final episode reminded me of what my childhood dreams were.  should i go back to do what i had thought i would be doing?  or should i continue to work on what i’ve planned to accomplish?  i was looking for an old file in the storage, but found the project i did for my high school freshman year english class.  i remember vividly the interviews i did with all those local fashion designers, the advices they gave me, and how full of dreams i was back then.  if i could turn back time, i would have fought for what i believed in and wanted so much of.  but life doesn’t always turn out the way you wanted or had dreamed of.  it’s been a long journey for me, but at least i’m happy now.  the dream might never truly come true, but it’s not too late to do what i love again… xoxo ^^

true friend, no?

how do you define being a ‘true friend’?  someone who would only say the things you wanna hear?  was she only asking for a praise? an approval? and not your honest opinion?  throughout the 20 years we’ve known each other, i’ve tried to be there for you whenever i could.  regardless of the times you’ve hurt my feelings, made me feel i’m one of your “friends of convenience”, and it’s not hard to feel not being respected by you…and the truth be told, i’m not the only one who felt that from you.  like i said, the guys you’re interested in come and go, but friends stay and as we grow older, true friends who really care don’t come by easily at all.  and have you forgotten your values when you keep allowing yourself in sitautions you shouldn’t have?  you know i had and would’ve always supported you in everything you wanted, but to get invloved with a married man even after all the talks we had, the close-call incidents you almost got yourself in deep trouble with, etc., what are you thinking?   just because i don’t approve what you’re doing in regard to this relationship of yours, doesn’t mean i stop being your friend or stop caring for you!  for you to stop talking to me after what i said, out of love because i care deeply about you, really says alot about how you treat this friendship, and me.  i’m tired this time, and i no longer wanna be the one who kept trying to keep this friendship going, always being the one who initiated keeping in touch again, etc.  you’ve hurt me deeply, but i’m here whenever you’re ready to talk again, or need a shoulder to cry on later.  take good care of yourself, dear friend.  i sincerely wish you will find your happiness and be happy instead of complaining of everything in your life, including those that you should be grateful for. take care… xoxo!

forgiveness

forgiveness was never a difficult thing for me to do.  i’ve forgiven people who’d hurt me so deep that it was impossible to see another tomorrow, to feel again, to live again.  i’ve always believed in the power of forgiveness eversince i could remember.  some might see it as a weakness on my part, that i tend to always give in too easily, let loved ones take advantaged of/pushed me over, etc.  i never see it that way.  i forgive because i love, i forgive because i empathize, i forgive because i believe, and i forgive because if God could forgive, who am i not to?  though the hurt put me in tears sometimes, but my heart was always at peace…  until recently… i’ve tried to reflect from within, and it only tightened the knot in my heart.  i just don’t have the heart to forgive this time.  i resent this, feel ashamed of and cried over it because i want to forgive, but i cannot comprehend why my heart just wouldn’t.  it hurts, and it hurts myself most in the end. 

i walk around with a heavy heart 
i sing a song of sadness
i feel the pain that wouldn’t go
i pray for love, for peace, for forgiveness…

“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” ( Matthew 11:28 )

the mushy toki

ever had one of those nights when you just couldn’t really keep your eyes opened any longer and your body was longing to speed-dive into the bed, just to snuggle under the duvet amongst fluffy pillows, yet… you still wanna write down a few silly thoughts… not to share with anyone in particular, but to remind yourself some day what a silly girl you are? :p  i’m having that “one of those nights” tonight. maybe all those recent weddings, couple stories, friendships, etc that i’ve been listening/watching/reading lately have brought out the sentimenal best of me.  like d had said to me, “you’re such a hopeless romantic!” ;p i go awww… at the slightest hint of romance… someone asked me recently, “seriously, how do you find all these hearts???” my reply was simple, “i don’t ‘find them’…they are just there (and everywhere) waiting to say hello ))” i get teary and all touched by some random kindness… i used to cry alot (in private) about unhappy things.  now, i cried alot about things that touched my heart.  tears of silly moments, of warm, loving moments, of kindness, of love, of you, of him, of her, of me…  it’s all good.  goodnite silly mushy one… xoxo zzz… ~.~

so it is… come the new

i love starting the first day of a new month with a smile… i like the feeling of starting fresh…a new beginning, and it makes me feel i’m given yet another chance to leave behind things i don’t wanna drag along with me… i can’t pin point exactly what and why, but today i wanted to start a new personal blog, and leave the old one behind… deleting an old blog definitely does not erase the past, but at least i don’t have to see it again. :p a new beginning, so it is… thanks for sharing this new day with me. *hugs* xoxo…